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New hospital policy
Medical jokes
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MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide
security.
Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and
12 rounds
of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in
the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge
Nurses will
rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and
helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will
now take
over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary
will be
responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as
well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be
fed will
need to let their families know to bring something, or may
make
arrangements with Subway, Domino`s, etc., before meal time.
Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient
rooms for
this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish
to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory
patients may
also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for special
discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is
assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached
by
calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside
and
listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed
to the
TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
books can be
checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be
standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the
series at a
rate of one volume every other month. We already have the
volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please
try to
handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume
arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by
only
performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are
already
bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the
two
x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time
required
by Eckerd`s photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the
price of
one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from
the Sunday
paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd`s will also honor
competitors`
coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations,
so if
you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them
to the
ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the
electric company
has been asked to install individual meters in each patient
room,
office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be
monitored and
appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or
lease in the
hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for
the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided
on each
floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees
are
encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting
moldy
compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial
production of
antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for
purchase
through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon
be the
only antibiotics listed on the HMOs` formulary.
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