The bread danger

When are we going to do something about bread-induced global
warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I`ve done a
little research, and what I`ve discovered should make anyone
think twice.

THE FINDINGS ------------- 1. More than 98 percent of
convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50
years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many
women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid,
yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has
been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used
to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than
that in one month!

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after
only two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS --------------------- Most bread
eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In
light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which
may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread
manufacturers.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares
about this crucial issue.

REMEMBER: "Think globally, act idiotically."

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