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Steven wright 12
One liners
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If you`re not part of the solution, you`re part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don`t trust anybody!
They say we`re 98% water. We`re that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don`t know what to add to it.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you`d notice. It`s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I`m an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I`m six, I`ll be ninety.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn`t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn`t see anything, but every now and then you`d hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
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