Bastard operator from hell

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It`s probably something to do with..." I look up today`s
excuse ".. clock speed"

"Oh" (Not knowing what I`m talking about, they`re satisfied)
"Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There`s 275 users on your machine, and one of them
is you. Don`t be so selfish - logout now and give someone
else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need
is one page of Laser Print.."

"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that
buddy!" I hang up.

Sheesh, you`d really think people would learn not to call!

The phone rings. It`ll be him again, I know. That annoys me.
I put on a gruff voice

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I`m sorry, I`ve got the wrong number"

"YEAH? Well what`s your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone
calls cost money? DO YOU? I`ve got a good mind to subtract
your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call
from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I`ve
finished with you, YOU`LL OWE US money! WHAT`S YOUR NAME -
AND DON`T LIE, WE`VE GOT CALLER ID!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he`s
obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the
Dean`s office. I look up his username and find his
department. I ring the Dean`s secretary.

"Hello?" she answers

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES
RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE
HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says

"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN`T HIDE`"

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON`T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN`T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL
ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO
THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."

I hear Her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON`T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE
MESSAGE ON"

She sobs Her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I
was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick
copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds.
Modern technology is wonderful, isn`t it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why don`t you move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid?!?. Uh-Oh..

"I`m terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that
of Jimmy Stewart in a Family Matinee "I didn`t quite catch
that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it`s too
late, he`s a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account,
*please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the
mouthpeice.

"There, you`ve got plenty of space now"

"How much have I got"

Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want
me to give them extra disk, they want to check it, to correct
me if I don`t give them enough. They should be happy with
what I give them *and that`s it*!!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let`s see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his
bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room
temperature "4 Meg in total..."

"Huh?... I`d used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg
Available?"

I say nothing. It`ll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"

I kill me; I really do!

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