Heaven gets re-zoned

According to the latest Catholic scholars and Pope Benedict, Limbo is, now and forever, reserved only for native Jamaican Island dancers. (read the article) Effectively giving eternal time-space a Lim-botomy, the Pope, acting
in his capacity as the the Holy Seed, signed the beloved and feared region of heaven into oblivion. Apparently,all non-baptised infants and people born before Jesus, now have permanent "green cards" and are given a place in the divine estate.

Expansion and new construction is scheduled to commence in the fall to make room for all these theological refugees. The dominant plan is to use the Chicago "scattered-site housing" model for section 8 residences and place them in the suburbs.

There are some budgetary concerns as well, since heaven's budget is balanced on the head of a pin. Some of the more liberal members of the heavenly hosts have begun a campaign to coax Jesus out of retirement to do his "loaves and fishes" act again, this time by converting a single 12 story condo into a sub-division. "This could save millions", one director was quoted.

Additionally, these souls have no previous history of good deeds or miracles and existing residents in heaven were quoted as saying they didn't know if they wanted to live next door to these, "marginals".

It is yet unclear as to whether or not these new members will have full voting or saint's rights, and the ACLU indicates that it's human rights team will be following the process closely to ensure that these new souls are truly
treated as equals.

Controversy is certain, since this new policy seems to effectively "kidnap" the souls of the unborn children of Jews, Muslims, Hindu's, Druids, Unitarians and the like into the Catholic section of eternity, since none of these
other groups have made specific accommodations for the placement of their souls. Several law suits are being proposed including an injunction to force a pre-qualification and evaluation of souls, based on their family origins. "The ramifications of diverted ethereal property and inheritance are monumental," one attorney for a family of witches said. "We cannot stand idly by and allow one faction of the universe to conduct an uncontested dragnet of souls, and subsequent land-grab of eternal space... there must be equity and balance, voices must be heard!"

In an anticipated press release, Plato, Aristotle and Socrates issued a joint statement that they rather liked the accommodations set up in Limbo and that it afforded them a position of neutrality and objectivity unavailable in any of the other, more politically polarized domains. They said they will stage an old fashioned peaceful "sit-in" with many of their students in order to lobby for at least a portion of Limbo to remain as-is.

God, who was at his summer home, was not immediately available for comment.

Greg Groeper reporting...

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