Get your 2006 new year resolutions here!

Well you came to the right place. Here are a few to choose from. Please, one per customer! You can thank me later by visiting my website or sending me an email of gratitude.

“My New Year Resolution is to …

• stop releasing silent gas of mass proportions while waiting in any line.

• not sing out loud while listening to my IPOD in the public domain.

• not sing out loud period in the public domain!

• contact an old flame that dumped me and tell him/her I know I am finally over it because I just buried my hunting knife, gloves and prized OJ video collection in the backyard.

• write one really bad poem about my right nipple, submit it to “International Library of Poetry” (or any of its devil offspring), and wait for the acknowledgements and book offers to come flooding back to me.

• take a digital photo of my left nipple, submit it to “International Library of Photography” (or any of its related devil offspring) and wait for the acknowledgements and book offers to come flooding back to me.

• start practicing for marathons by driving my car 26 miles a day (note: take plenty of water and start with 13 miles if 26 miles is too long a distance at first).

• gain two pounds a week (note: this one is geared for people who have really low self esteem and are searching for something to accomplish and thus feel better about themselves)

• tell my boss something nice but truthful about him/her (e.g., “hey has anyone told you, you have the darkest longest nose hairs?” or “You have the nicest thigh rubbing noise I have ever heard”)

• try a new kind of potato.

• tell people who ask me for the time to come back later when I will have some.

• only eat sushi that is well done.

• replace the empty roll of toilet paper before I leave the bathroom.

• offer kids carrying really heavy book bags candy and rides home. (Also, I will tell my future cell mate something nice but truthful about him/her.)

• vote for anyone but the incumbent in November!

Happy New Year!

The article above was concocted by humorist Robert Crane. Please visit His popular website for more at http://www.cranelegs.com or contact him at crane@cranelegs.com

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