That damn credit plan
Redneck jokes
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Gentlemen:
I just received your long superheated letter in regard to
the bill I owe you. You said you thought it could have been
paid a long time ago. You couldn`t see why it wasn`t. Well I
will enlighten you. In 1907, I bought a sawmill, two ponies,
a breech loading shotgun, a Winchester rifle, a colt
revolver, and two fine razor-back hogs, all on that damn
credit plan.
In 1910, the mill burned down and it left me without a damn
thing. One of the ponies died, and I loaned the other to a
son-of-a-bitch who starved it to death. So I joined the
church.
In 1911, my boy got the mumps, and they went down on him and
the doctor had to castrate him to save His life. Then I went
fishing. The boat capsized, and I lost the biggest fish I
have ever caught and two of my sons drowned, but neither of
them was the one with His balls cut out.
In 1912, my father died and my brother was lynched for horse
stealing. A railroad man knocked up my daughter, and I had
to pay a doctor`s bill of $300 to keep the little bastard
from being a relative of mine.
In 1915, my wife ran away with a bastard and left me with a
pair of twins as souvenirs. Then I married the hired girl to
keep down expenses. I had a lot of trouble in getting her to
put out, so I went to the doctor, and he advised me to create
so excitement about the time she was ready. That night I
took the shotgun to bed with me, and just when I thought that
she was ready I stuck the gun out of the window and fired.
Net results: My wife shit in the bed, I ruptured myself, and
I shot the best cow I ever had.
I was burned out in 1931 and therefore took to drinking. I
didn`t stop until all I had left was a Waterberry watch and
kidney trouble. For sometime all I did was wind my watch and
run to piss.
The next year I tried again. So I bought a manure spreader,
a Deering binder and a thrashing machine. .. all on that
damn credit plan. A cyclone came and blew everything into
the next county. My wife got VD from a traveling salesman,
my boy wiped His ass with a corn cob that had crabs on it,
and some bastard denutted my bull.
This still did not discourage me. I bought a swarm of bees
to raise some honey to sell. The damn queen bee took up with
a tumble bug, and the honey turned out half shit.
Listen brother, trying to get money out of me would be like
trying to pour hot lard up a wildcat`s ass with a fork. But
mister, if you`re willing to try, go right ahead.
"Yours for more credit"
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