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Shit happens
Insults jokes
Rating : 9.00, 2 votes.
Reviews : 0 [add review]
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience
more than just you`ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you
explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you`ve shit. There`s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don`t feel it. No traces of shit
on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still
doesn`t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you
don`t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You`re all done wiping your ass and you`re about to stand up when you
realize it..you`ve got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn`t come until
you`re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 pounds.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out
before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won`t go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit
usually happens at someone else`s house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh Shit ...Shit
You wish you`d gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it`s still floating in there. On NO! How do I
get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else`s house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You`ll know it`s alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn`t
smell too bad, but this shit is BAD, and it left skid marks. Usually there`s
somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also
usually happens at someone else`s house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like
the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go
numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats
back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you`re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands
to twice it`s normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch
in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you
finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of
an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet
bowl and seat.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to
take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper
and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It`s the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you
start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out.
This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle
without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
And the dump list...
I`m sure that upon reading this, you`ll nod your head in agreement as you
will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you
haven`t you need more fiber..
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It`s rare but a
real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is
a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the
splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all
is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper`s tolerance and is the result of too many
beers - doesn`t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close
the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised..
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day
stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the
Shuttle`s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you`ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use
the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the
rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion
that every "empty roll dumper " must face..pull up yer kecks tighten yer
cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could
always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet -
and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of
the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and
then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you`ll ever see your
loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies
trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1.
Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you`ve got some Vaseline to
help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when
suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility
like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a
Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16. damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the
precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop
loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite
opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You`ve finished but there`s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip
the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little
bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between
you and the water below. If only you had some scissors....
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn`t enough. You blow the whole roll
and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer
waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything
will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you`ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to
leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores..
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the
pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can
guarantee that if you don`t, it will reappear and smile at the next person
who comes in.
Rating : 9.00, 2 votes.
Reviews : 0 [add review]
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