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How to pill a cat
Animal jokes
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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat`s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat again in left arm and repeat
process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm while holding back paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back
of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
to the count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
the top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand, while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth with the other. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat`s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with ear just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil, insert end of straw and
BLOW.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to
humans and drink a beer to take away the
taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse`s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor`s shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck just
leaving head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour a shot and drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for last date of tetanus shot. Bathe
cheek with whiskey to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw bloody, torn t-shirt away
and fetch another form bedroom. Then call fire
department to retrieve the freaking cat from
the tree across the street.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie the little so
and so`s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get
heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth, followed by a large piece of
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour two liters of water down throat to
wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches your fingers and forearm, and
removes remnants of pill from your eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
Arrange for pound to collect "mutant cat from
hell", and call local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
Wrap it in bacon.
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