Things to know before moving to dothan, alabama

Never order a bottle of pop or a can of soda in Dothan. It’s referred to as, “Coke”. You don’t have to worry about getting the wrong beverage; the waitress will always ask “what kind of Coke”? If she doesn’t ask, she’s from the North and you have the right to correct her for her failing.

If you order tea, expect for it to be sweetened—and iced. If you want hot tea or unsweetened tea you’ll be wise to let somebody know that you’re not from around here.

We are fully aware of high the humidity is in Dothan; we’ve lived here our whole lives. Look around at our senior ladies; they didn’t get their great complexions out of a bottle. If you don’t believe it have a look at the seniors who spent their whole lives in the dessert. Be thankful for the humidity, we are.

We are also aware of how hot it is in the summertime. We don’t complain about it, we sit in the shade, we move a little slower and we drink a lot of tea. It works you should try it.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English; believe it or not Dothan schools teach English as well as our colleges. We speak this way because we don’t want to sound like you.

Never try to fake a Southern accent, you can’t do it and we will laugh at you just like we did Dan Aykroyd in Driving Miss Daisy.

Misuse of the word Ya’ll is the first indicator of a Yankee faking a Southern accent. “Ya’ll” is always plural as well as it’s possessive “Ya’lls”. “You” and “Your” are used in the singular. Keep it straight.

A southern dialect will naturally creep into your speech. Most Northerners adopt “Big ole” first, as in “Big ole truck”, or “Big ole glass of iced tea”. Though most Northerners adopting a southern accent are in denial about this fact.

It is not wise to ridicule Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We seldom make a commotion in public, and we do our best not to be uppity. People who do not have manners weren’t raised right—nuff said.

Never try to explain to someone in Dothan how barbecue should be prepared—you might just end up in a pine box.

We refer to all of our females as ladies, and all of them are, even if you think otherwise.

We know that some of our older drivers have trouble keeping the car in the right lane of traffic. We never yell at them, we just shake our head and say “bless their heart” then say a silent prayer that they will get home safely.

If there is even the slightest prediction of snow, we will close all the schools and you must make your way to the nearest grocery store to buy milk and bread whether you need it or not.

We don’t care if you can drive in the snow, we deserve the time off and we’re going to take it.

You can ask anyone in Dothan for directions, but unless you know where things used to be you’ll continue to be lost. Case in point, “to get your new car tags, turn right at the First National Bank, go past the Houston Hotel and then the Greyhound Bus Terminal, it’s the tall building behind Dothan Federal Savings and Loan, if you get to the Supreme Ice Cream you went too far”.

If you wonder where everyone is on a Sunday morning—we’re in church. You are well advised to stay off the roads between noon and 12:30 on Sunday because the Baptists are trying to beat the Methodists to Piccadilly; it’s not for the faint of heart.

Never attempt to drive past the telephone company on the last date to pay the telephone bill. We park in the middle of the street to make payment regardless of the traffic needing to get by. Just accept it.

Fall marks the beginning of the social season in the south. Some southern cities begin by inviting a select few to very elite parties (e.g., Harvest Ball in Atlanta). In Dothan, we include everybody in the festivities; it’s called the Peanut Festival, same principle but a whole lot more fun.

In short, be respectful of old people, raise your kids right, find a good church, and let Dothan keep the charm it’s always had—then we’ll all get along just fine.

Ya’ll Come!

David Zack Holmes is an Inspirational/Humor Writer telling His tales with a southern flair. To read other features see: http://www.davidzackholmes.com

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