Fat Burner

I have been trying to lose weight, tone up and fix the hair loss thing. I took so many fat burner pills. When the EMT’s found me they called it the worst case of spontaneous human combustion they had ever seen.
I got some of those electric muscle twitching pads. But they didn’t work at all. So I scheduled a twenty minute visit to “Ole Sparky”, the electric chair at the Florida State Penitentiary Maybe that will help jump start me into losing weight.
I got a package from the Hair Loss Club with a membership card, club rules and a can of “secret formula” spray paint. The instructions said read the club rules while shaking the can. The process for applying the “secret formula ” paint was just like flocking a Christmas tree. Unfortunately, I never flocked a Christmas tree. So I sprayed it on my dog to see what would happen. She looked like the Creator from the Black Lagoon…but cute. The hair stylist I use said not to dye my hair. Just stick with the “secret formula” paint and hope it doesn’t rain. I asked her if she could pierce my ear. But she said why bother your neck is so short no one will be able to see it. No tip for her!
Got a Bow Flex machine at a garage sale. The guy never used it. He died of a massive heart attack in the same garage in which the sale was held. It took me nearly a day and two pizzas to put it together. I was exhausted. After several visits to the chiropractor, I felt well enough to workout. I pulled that Bow Flex thing back as far as I could and accidentally launched myself. I took off like a fat naked arrow and hit the wall like a bug on the windshield. Bow Flex - the thinking man’s weapon of choice. I’m feeling better now thanks. The stitches are healing nicely. And I have a regularly scheduled appointment every week with the chiropractor.
Then it finally occurred to me that all the people in the loss fat and grow hair informerials look happy. So I decided that all I need to do to look like them. was eat a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream – every day of my life. Then I too would look happy. Even if I had to get a permit from the “Save the Whales” organization before anyone tries towing me underwater with my new hair weave.
Can’t wait to see you all,
Cousin Stubby

Rating : 4.77, 22 votes. Reviews : 15 [add review]

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