Do I look fat?

And most men, even the most boorish, know the various permutations of the trick question too.

For instance, the indirect method:

"Do these jeans look too tight?"

"No. They fit perfect."
Or the slick double-secret-probation approach:

"Do you still love me, even though I’ve gained weight?"

"Yes I do. And you look perfect."
Or the subtle non-question question:

"I think I need to go on a diet."

"No you don’t. You look perfect."

There can be no hesitation, no darting eyes, no mincing of words when the response is given. If one does, one deserves to become the sorry sack of shittolla one is about to become. My theory is that men whose fathers or mothers did not prepare them falter exactly once. Depending on the female partner, the offender is either killed (the lightest sentence), or treated to a year of hard time, at the conclusion of which the guilty party either has learned all the correct rudimentary involuntary-reflex responses or has joined the gay ranks or has become a monk vowed to a life of silence.

Well no matter how one gets there, for guys in the know, the rudimentary involuntary-responses are the easy part, after all they are as routine as lifting up the toilet seat—another gem that was hopefully hammered into us in our formative years. The hard part is trying to figure out the real reason for the question and choosing what the appropriate follow-up response is.

To enlighten those males who have not advanced to this stage, let me help you, let me show you the logic, let me give you hope. Let’s walk through this together. There’ll be fanny pats at the end if you get it.

So the trick question is asked. We immediately regurgitate the appropriate robotic response. We have about a minute to figure out her reason for asking and if a follow-up is required. That moment of male mental gymnastics is more tension packed than the last episode of 24.

As daunting as it might seem, it’s not so bad if we break it down like any other business problem.

1. She actually is fat. Beware! She ISN’T interested in your confirmation. She probably just got a glimpse of herself in a mirror, is feeling really lousy about, but uninterested in doing anything about. If she were interested in doing something about it, trust me she wouldn’t be asking you for an opinion! Unless you want a situation, it’s best to leave this one alone and say nothing in follow-up. And just in the event that you are toying with the idea of saying something that even slightly acknowledges her extra pounds, take an honest look at yourself first. There is a good chance you aren’t winning any Mr. Olympia trophies soon. So grab a bag of cheese doodles and take your lard-ass to the couch, lest you say something you will regret.

2. She feels fat. This is a ticklish one at first but in the end is as simple as number 1 above. She may feel fat because she is fat in which case she may be coming to grips with her fatness. That might be a good thing. Let her be; say nothing after the usual required response. The other possibility is that she might just plain feel some of that there bloating issue women get around that pre-you-not-what-but-I’m-not-allowed-to-say-because-it’s-sexist-but-really-not-because-it’s-true time. If this is the case, a poorly timed darting glance down at her belly could be suicidal. Don’t do it no matter how temptingt! Even if she lifts her belly-shirt and points. Don’t look! Stay focused and reaffirm the rudimentary involuntary-reflex response by changing it up a bit, "Get outta here: "am I fat"! You look perfect! If anyone’s fat it’s me!" Then volunteer to fold her underwear. Do something. Get out of there lickitty split.

3. She is vain. This is a tough one for me personally. If she is thin as rail and is just vacuuming for loose compliments, I have a tendency to want to give her something to think about; really feed into her low self esteem that seems so willfully misplaced. Again, it’s best to fight the urge, shut your hole and be glad it’s not a real issue. There are two corollaries to this though.

If this trick question stuff is a recent development, one may want to nip it in the bud before one ends up with someone who is vain all the time—not a very good thing. The standard knee-jerk response may be rewarding bad behavior subconsciously. After your minute of thinking is up, you might want to follow-up with the direct approach, "You know, I sense a little vanity there. Are you becoming a little vain? Feeling pretty good about yourself aren’t you?" Give her a chance to react. She probably will flash a little devilish grin, the type that acknowledges she has been caught. You then close with, "Nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself and occasionally fishing for a compliment. And sweetie, I’d compliment you all day long, if I didn’t think that it would eventually swell that pretty head of yours up so big that it starts to clunk off the walls and furniture and stuff; breaking the family crystal and all. That would be terrible." Ah, the beauty of a little disarming humor.

In the other scenario, if you find yourself on the down-side of the relationship with the self-absorbed twit and looking to speed up the inevitable, you might say casually, "Yeah, I’ve noticed those little bulges in your lower back. But they’re not so bad. No one’s perfect anyway." Then see if you can walk out of the room without a ring bouncing off your balding skull. The beauty of this retort is that she can’t see what you playfully pointed out—short of setting up a room full of mirrors anyway. It’s effective, satisfying and guaranteed the desired results. Plus you’ll be able to hock the ring she threw at you for some cold poker cash.

4. She needs attention. This is the most prickly reason she might be asking and not easily recognized by "X & Y" humans. Chances are she isn’t overweight. Chances are you might deduce falsely "she feels fat" because it’s that time of you-know-what-because-I-can’t-say-month. Before you settle on that or any other conclusion for that matter, take a few seconds more. Could it be that she just wants to know she is attractive to you because you have been so self absorbed with work or football or your thinning hair that you haven’t in the past year at least once looked her in the eye and told her she is the most beautiful person in your world? If she has to demean herself this way to check in on your attention, the fat she is referring to is from the heavy tumor you have become on her self esteem. And if you have even the slightest pang that this might be true, that she may need attention, you better drop whatever lame thing it is that you are doing, praise her up and down and make a mental note not to allow her to sink to this lowly place again. She may ask only once or twice more before she decides you are malignant and opts for immediate, radical surgery to remove the cancerous growth you’ve become.

By the way, women don’t have a lock on trick questions. Men do the same thing, just about male stuff. For instance, a man might mumble within earshot after coming out of the shower, "I wish my penis were bigger." It may not be in the form of a question but this isn’t Jeopardy either. It sure as hell is a cry for a little simpleminded ego building. Something like, "honey, you could jack up an eighteen wheeler with that thing" would go a long way. I suppose lesbian and gay couples eventually dive down (so to speak) into the same sad depths with equally problematic maneuvers.

The truth is I really don’t know what the answer is to avoid the certainty of these trick questions. Honesty in communication feels right and is even noteworthy but it’s not always effective.

"Am I fat?"

"Honey, you get any fatter and we’ll have to pay resident taxes to two states!"

or

"I wish my penis were bigger."

"You and me both! It’s like reading Braille with my vagina."

I suppose a simple "yes you are" or nod of agreement would be a better way to be honest without the immediate blood shed; the key word being "immediate." But eventually honesty will require your blood to flow.

So what is it we can do differently from scripting our escape? I guess nothing. Maybe it is just a condition of human relationships. I just can’t help but think though there is a better way. In the meantime, I’ll continue to brush up responses to new and improved trick questions. There is no time to relaxing, letting our guard down.

"Is my butt sagging?"

"Sagging? Are you kidding me? You could crack walnuts with that thing."

Not bad!

Humorist Robert Crane, author of the article above, has much to say about everything. Visit his popular site for more the same and other great fun.

http://www.cranelegs.com

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